Rules for Hipsters v1.0
Our civilization is collapsing and there’s nothing left to do but enjoy the ride. Part of enjoying the ride is not wasting your time trying to fix problems, or have a job, but becoming important before you actually do anything important. That way, you don’t need to exert yourself, and can be a legend in your own time, a big man on campus, or just the cat who rules the hood. This is called being a hipster.
The secret to being a hipster is to use everything — art, friendship, sex, love, your body, cigarettes, clothing, music — to make yourself look unique and special, preferrably ironic as well because that way you aren’t really taking it all seriously. You’re the dude who skated free from the whole mess, and left it for someone else to clean up!
But before you can be a hipster, you need to memorize our handy worksheet for winning arguments with douchebags who want to show others that they’re more hip than you.
1. Just a joke
When someone points out that what you’ve said is complete neurotic assbabble, tell them it was a joke.
You: HANG THE QUEERS FROM A GALLOWS OF FIRE.
Them: Holy shit, that’s out of line, WTF NILLA
You: Just a joke. Ha-ha. You’re not… a queer… are you?
2. Minimize them
Any time you introduce absolutely anything, make sure you preface it with the idea that your audience probably doesn’t know it. This lets you make them feel small and gain control.
Them: Just last week Elton John and I…
You: You probably haven’t heard of it, but this object is a fork. You use it to eat your salad.
3. Flattery gets you everywhere
As you talk to people who may be hostile, flatter them quietly by implying they’re aware of more of the hip stuff than they think they are, so they’ll be your buddy forever.
Them: Who’s this band Airborne AIDS?
You: You’ve probably heard of the bands that inspired them, Penis Runoff and Toasty McButtcrack. They’re just like them.
4. Nothing means anything
If someone is so foolish as to have an opinion which contrasts with their own, cut them down to size. Remind them that their idea is just an opinion.
You: I think the Planck constant is around 4 cubits, actually…
Them: No, I think it’s 6.626068 × 10-34 m2 kg / s.
You: Well, that’s just your opinion.
5. You’re never wrong
When you argue with others, remember that you are the unchanging center of the universe who is always right, and if they suggest you change yourself (or even worse, deprive yourself) they’re arguing for insanity. That’s like moving a mountain for Mohammed.
They: I don’t think we should do this next line of crystal meth.
You: What gives you that crazy idea? You might as well claim the sky is green. We should totally do this fucking thing right fucking now! (falls off chair)
6. You can always win by an appeal to what’s popular
When you get into a tight spot, just appeal to whatever most people around you will think is cool if they’re listening with half a brain.
Them: My plan helps gay midgets.
You: Oh yeah, bub? My plan helps gay black midget ORPHANS. You hear that? I trump your lame ass.
Or just go for plain old populism, which is most potent when it encourages oblivion:
Them: …and if overpopulation doesn’t get curbed, we all die!
You: Do you think the people here want to hear about mass death? Let’s talk about Deerhoof.
7. Be unexpected and different
People — 99.99% of who live mundane lives of quiet desperation and all that — like to think they’re unique and different and special, in some way. You can help them feel that way by having them live vicariously through your acting out and being bold, unexpected, unique, ironic (the queen of “different,” e.g. things didn’t go as planned and we’re going to pretend there’s a moral lesson in it), different, random, or incoherent.
Them: Gosh, I wish I could paint as well as the Dutch Masters.
You: The Dutch masters didn’t use feathers and glitter in their paintings. I do. I’m literally moving history forward. And what did they do?
This also applies to fashion statements:
Them: <shows up wearing nice clothing>
You: <show up in a bowling uniform from 1958, with a bandolier of Twinkies, a necklace made of shark teeth and a pimp hat> Ta-Da!
8. There’s always a theory
Facts can be tricky things. If you end up feeling like an idiot because you said something illogical, hit them up with some voodoo theory. The point is to make sure the theory suggests, in some way, that we can make reality different just by wishing it so.
You: Cool, a wall outlet.
Them: But that’s a 220 volt outlet, and it’ll fry our equipment.
You: According to the theory of sodomystical relativity in the hermeneutic of dynamic opposition (first cited by Rolf and Willyburger in their 2001 paper, “Anorectal Symbolism of Nightmare Heuristics in Norway Rats”), if we approach this with a Heisenbergian dynamic the current will equalize as it attempts to negotiate an equilibrium. You probably haven’t heard of it, but it’s all the rage at Harvard and Bennington.
Them: Well, I’m not plugging this in… theory or no theory.
You: Fine, be difficult. I’m sure in the small trailer park where you grew up this wasn’t an issue.
Them: Dude, we grew up in San Francisco together and were roommates at Bennington.
9. Turn it around
If someone makes you look foolish, imply that they are:
- Sexually frustrated
- Too sober
It’s best as a spot comment in conversation:
You: If 9/11 wasn’t an inside job, why did they use planes?
Them: Wait, that makes no sense… those are privately owned.
You: Are you ok, man? You look flushed.
You can also use it as a counter-argument:
Them: …if we keep dumping toxic waste into our rivers and streams, soon we’ll all die of cancer!
You: Dude, that’s extreme and harshing on my buzz. You just need to get laid or something
10. They haven’t heard of it
By all means the best way to start out an argument or conversation is to put the other person on the defensive, especially if you can do it without seeming like the aggressor. This way, they try to prove their worth to you, and they’ll get aggressive about it, which opens a doorway for you to use the previous nine tactics to show the assembled group that you are, indeed, superior to whatever worthless specimen of humanity dared approach you.
Them: And she was telling me, she was like, a virgin! And I was covered in blood when her dad came home.
You: There’s something you can use — you probably haven’t heard of it — it’s called sodomy. That way, she can stay technically a virgin.
Them: Oh no, I knew about that. I mean, I’ve sodomized a thousand things before.
You: I didn’t ask how much sex you had. Why are you trying to compare dick sizes with me? What is this, junior high?